We dreamt of you, of your eyes, of your smile,
of your laugh filling our house,
of your soft skin and baby smell.
We cherished the pain because you were going to bring light,
the moments imagining you were the happiest,
but they were living in the future of right
but it was wrong to disregard the sapiens.
Lovely memories are what you are now,
vacuum in space near me,
back to earth to feed the worms, thou
you fed my universe all the time.
Your white room that always welcomed me,
that was the place I called home
when I was an outsider,
that white room dressed in jasmine,
with the perfume that you got
because it was my favorite flower.
Sunny all year round,
inviting and velvet soft.
Your caring and love was always there
even if you didn't say it
it was in all the things you pushed me to do
for my own good,
all the challenges you guide me trough
all the time you challenge my destinations and desitions,
the times you thought that for a bad desition maker,
that one was a particularly good one.
Everything clean, neat, and slick ready to comfort me,
to be my home far from home.
To take me to new salsa places and dance don't caring about the "right" way,
because your smile was the right way.
Now, you are gone, forever,
you are down, but not out.
The jasmine perfume will always bring you back,
white will bring you back,
delicious coffee and well set up dinner tables will bring you back,
actually, the list is infinite, I just had ice cream and remembered our last one.
Your last advice will guide me, as the memory of those intense eyes
wishing the best for me, asking me
"So, what is your plan? You are a force of nature, not a leaf in the wind"
the voice in my head doesn't have your sound anymore,
you are a mental phantom.
The 20/20 vision can't be exchange
you had to turn blind to difficult situations,
because how you react is the important part to change
how others' actions impact your reactions.
It takes practice to walk like the dead,
detached and gone, and not hurting
just being you in the moment of this Buddhist creed
reaching the nirvana of absence of feeling.
Meditation can get you there,
just being in the now,
honoring your value,
being alone and everywhere
being in the present hue.
The dead are needed to recycle,
to give dust to dust,
we should learn from them
to let go, to be part of the cycle,
to add your grain of sand to the dune,
and let the wind shape it.
You keep claiming that you know me,
that you did all you could
to save us, to protect me
but no, no, you couldn't
because you don't know me
you have no idea what I want
and you are clueless about what I need.
You are not even listening to my screaming
for closeness
for that hug that warms you being
you just offer emptiness.
Go and find yourself better lies
I am not buying your false sense of caring,
you obviously don't want ties
you obviously don't share my feeling.
You have no idea what I am going through
and the worse part is that I am showing you
myself transparent thoughts
and you keep claiming senseless "I know you".
If you would really know me,
you would be there for me,
you would hold my hand next to your heart
our perfumes merging together.
You won't believe me when I tell you
that you are always on my mind
you won't trust this truth shared with you
because I haven't shared it in the right kind.
You caused me to try to help
when my help was not needed
just my presence for this whelp
was the only thing required.
I thought I was doing you a favor
I thought it was going to be better in the long term
but I just brought more loneliness and zero candor
to an already solitary hermit.
You caused me to spread myself too thin,
trying to reach out over my own limits,
attempting to help even the ones who don't want my spin
even the ones that make me feel guilty.
We were so close, we have so many happy moments,
and now the distance between us feels like an ocean
a death ocean full of retreat components
but I know we can swim this emotion
because it is just a narrow river, not an ocean.
In remembrance of me,
I am constantly thinking of you
how happy you made me
I can't tell you because I am afraid that will hurt you.
I have to live in the now,
but the melancholia is hunting me
like an old friend I used to know
who was constantly judging me.
Remembrance can be hunting
like a dream that follows you constantly
a surrounding haze that is invading
every part and vacuum despondently.
It is a peaceful life,
now that the airplane lines are gone
we just need to survive
with what was left and our own.
No more white lines crossing the sky
no more distractions from the real pain
we have to make the blue sky our ally
or everything would be in vain.
