I don't want small rewards

 

You Can’t Always Want What You Like, my podcast said,

quiescence appeared in front of me.

I choose to engage in improving others lives, even when this dries me to the bone

I am not enjoying it when I am doing it, but I will enjoy after, type 2 reward

if there is no effort, type 1 fun, margaritas orgasm

that is how all relationships should be

just flow, enjoy, no pushing, no effort, no overthinking

just letting go and letting be.

I want deeper satisfaction, long-lasting effects

that will make me proud of what I did and what I am.

better every day, looking forward to more improvement...

Oh but sometimes distractions are soooo much fun :)

Sleeping with the love of my life

 I sleep next to the person I love,

the person next to me is the person 

I have been dreaming to meet my whole life.

My bed partner is sharing my dreams,

I am sharing my resting place with my teammate

this person wraps her arms

around me for a checkmate.

She has been there all this time, 

hoping I let her shine,

because as my friends repeated time after time

I am my own light shrine.

I am sleeping with the love of my life

I found her inside me and now she will always

walk with me like a wife

whose separate footpaths merged in the same main pathways.

You are sexy, elegant, smart, funny, gorgeous,

educated, caring, kind and full of compassion,

you can do better and be with someone glorious,

in a relationship exploding with passion.

Requiem time

 We dreamt of you, of your eyes, of your smile,

of your laugh filling our house,

of your soft skin and baby smell.

We cherished the pain because you were going to bring light,

the moments imagining you were the happiest,

but they were living in the future of right

but it was wrong to disregard the sapiens.

He is down, but he is not out (requiem for a loved one)

 Lovely memories are what you are now,

vacuum in space near me,

back to earth to feed the worms, thou

you fed my universe all the time.

Your white room that always welcomed me,

that was the place I called home

when I was an outsider,

that white room dressed in jasmine,

with the perfume that you got

because it was my favorite flower.

Sunny all year round,

inviting and velvet soft.

Your caring and love was always there

even if you didn't say it

it was in all the things you pushed me to do

for my own good,

all the challenges you guide me trough

all the time you challenge my destinations and desitions,

the times you thought that for a bad desition maker,

that one was a particularly good one.

Everything clean, neat, and slick ready to comfort me,

to be my home far from home.

To take me to new salsa places and dance don't caring about the "right" way,

because your smile was the right way.

Now, you are gone, forever,

you are down, but not out.

The jasmine perfume will always bring you back,

white will bring you back,

delicious coffee and well set up dinner tables will bring you back,

actually, the list is infinite, I just had ice cream and remembered our last one.

Your last advice will guide me, as the memory of those intense eyes

wishing the best for me, asking me

"So, what is your plan? You are a force of nature, not a leaf in the wind"

the voice in my head doesn't have your sound anymore,

you are a mental phantom.

It takes practice to walk like the dead

 The 20/20 vision can't be exchange

you had to turn blind to difficult situations,

because how you react is the important part to change

how others' actions impact your reactions.

It takes practice to walk like the dead,

detached and gone, and not hurting

just being you in the moment of this Buddhist creed

reaching the nirvana of absence of feeling.

Meditation can get you there,

just being in the now,

honoring your value,

being alone and everywhere

being in the present hue.

The dead are needed to recycle,

to give dust to dust,

we should learn from them

to let go, to be part of the cycle,

to add your grain of sand to the dune,

and let the wind shape it.

You don't know me

 You keep claiming that you know me,

that you did all you could

to save us, to protect me

but no, no, you couldn't

because you don't know me

you have no idea what I want

and you are clueless about what I need.

You are not even listening to my screaming

for closeness

for that hug that warms you being

you just offer emptiness.

Go and find yourself better lies

I am not buying your false sense of caring,

you obviously don't want ties

you obviously don't share my feeling.

You have no idea what I am going through

and the worse part is that I am showing you

myself transparent thoughts

and you keep claiming senseless "I know you".

If you would really know me,

you would be there for me,

you would hold my hand next to your heart

our perfumes merging together.

The Distance that feels like an Ocean but is just a river

 You won't believe me when I tell you

that you are always on my mind

you won't trust this truth shared with you

because I haven't shared it in the right kind.

You caused me to try to help

when my help was not needed

just my presence for this whelp

was the only thing required.

I thought I was doing you a favor

I thought it was going to be better in the long term

but I just brought more loneliness and zero candor

to an already solitary hermit.

You caused me to spread myself too thin,

trying to reach out over my own limits,

attempting to help even the ones who don't want my spin

even the ones that make me feel guilty.

We were so close, we have so many happy moments,

and now the distance between us feels like an ocean

a death ocean full of retreat components

but I know we can swim this emotion

because it is just a narrow river, not an ocean.