How to trust again?

 It is not that the expectations were too high

and the trust was broken by external forces,

it is not about not trusting others,

to be scared to fall again for a lie

It is the trust in yourself,

on being true to your true

on being legit and original

on believing in you, in your potential

on your grip

on your power to challenge yourself

and your fears

on the things you don't trust yourself

like inversions, surfing, or loving.

Turn the nectar into honey

 I love flowers

and I stop to appreciate them every time,

I take mental photos of their colors

and take deep breaths to absorb their perfume

I used to be called a butterfly 

but now I know I am a bee,

that insect I used to fear

I used to void because I was scared

to get an anaphylactic shock

I was scared to be stung,

and died

I was scared of the unknown future,

I was scared of bees.

You open my eyes to see their beauty,

to find them harmless,

to stop the fear.

You helped me to enjoy the flowers deeply

in all their complexity

and to turn their nectar into honey.

I am not the victim

 Assumptions put me in the victim role,

but it was a lack of good judgment and understanding 

that labeled me "the victim".

I am not the victim, I am more the responsible party,

who pushed the first domino piece

and now see a 6 years structure crumbled to the floor.

Just perfect

 Laying on the grass,

feeling the warm sun caressing your skin,

calling me to caress you too,

to feel the warmth, it is just perfect.

And then a bee tried to sting me

and I freaked out because of childhood traumas,

so you calmed me down,

took the bee gently and showed me that I have nothing to fear

it was just perfect.

You opened up your genuine vulnerability,

allowing me to do the same,

and still, feel safe,

and it was just perfect.

With my constant stressful on the go state of mind,

you came to caress my thoughts to relax me,

it was just perfect,

like a five minutes meditation

on a busy morning,

in the middle of a construction site 

during a thunderstorm.

You claim I am perfect

 Compliments can get wasted and overused, you claimed,

but keep repeating how perfect my face is, its shape is the best,

how beautiful my smile is, and how I am the "la mas Bonita persona" you have been with,

you simply claim I am perfect.

I can assure you are wrong,

and it was the gorgeous landscape, delicious food and glorious prosecco

that tricked your mind into seeing me as perfect.

it is because you only see the beauty in people,

you have a filter for the flaws,

that converts my wrinkles into flawless skin.

You photoshop with your beautiful big bright eyes, BBB,

and also filter to rainbow settings and outstanding sunsets with your long curly eyelashes.

I told you I am not perfect and if you will know me better you will see my cracks,

so you let me go, to not ruin the gloriously bright and perfect image that you have of me.

You lost me like sand between your fingers.

Thanks for holding my hand

 While I am trying to hold onto every breath

and every second I can get,

when I hear the reverse countdown clock

ticking its way down to death,

thanks for holding my hand.

While I hold into life,

and am grateful for any extra deep breath

after the expiration date,

I am most grateful for you holding my hand.

I can fall asleep save knowing that 

if I don't wake up,

you will keep my legacy going,

my energy will stay with you,

as it passes from my body to your hand.

Enjoying every second we are connected,

for what could be the last time,

like if there is no tomorrow,

because there is actually no tomorrow,

we can just hold each other close,

so thank you for holding my hand.

I am aware it is difficult,

I am aware you are in pain,

different from my pain,

but valid as any,

so thank you for holding my hand,

holding me holding life.

Whispers that bring joy

 Laying painfully waiting for the anesthesiologist,

grateful that the hospital wall is thin as paper

I can hear you two whisper,

my past and my present/future.

Both sharing kind stories about me,

both hoping I will survive

both praising my positive bad sense of humor

answering the "do you have any allergy?" question

with "well, apparently I am not allergic enough to cancer..."

"LOL ball" you called me, and my ex confirmed

that is an accurate depiction of me.