You claim I am perfect

 Compliments can get wasted and overused, you claimed,

but keep repeating how perfect my face is, its shape is the best,

how beautiful my smile is, and how I am the "la mas Bonita persona" you have been with,

you simply claim I am perfect.

I can assure you are wrong,

and it was the gorgeous landscape, delicious food and glorious prosecco

that tricked your mind into seeing me as perfect.

it is because you only see the beauty in people,

you have a filter for the flaws,

that converts my wrinkles into flawless skin.

You photoshop with your beautiful big bright eyes, BBB,

and also filter to rainbow settings and outstanding sunsets with your long curly eyelashes.

I told you I am not perfect and if you will know me better you will see my cracks,

so you let me go, to not ruin the gloriously bright and perfect image that you have of me.

You lost me like sand between your fingers.

Thanks for holding my hand

 While I am trying to hold onto every breath

and every second I can get,

when I hear the reverse countdown clock

ticking its way down to death,

thanks for holding my hand.

While I hold into life,

and am grateful for any extra deep breath

after the expiration date,

I am most grateful for you holding my hand.

I can fall asleep save knowing that 

if I don't wake up,

you will keep my legacy going,

my energy will stay with you,

as it passes from my body to your hand.

Enjoying every second we are connected,

for what could be the last time,

like if there is no tomorrow,

because there is actually no tomorrow,

we can just hold each other close,

so thank you for holding my hand.

I am aware it is difficult,

I am aware you are in pain,

different from my pain,

but valid as any,

so thank you for holding my hand,

holding me holding life.

Whispers that bring joy

 Laying painfully waiting for the anesthesiologist,

grateful that the hospital wall is thin as paper

I can hear you two whisper,

my past and my present/future.

Both sharing kind stories about me,

both hoping I will survive

both praising my positive bad sense of humor

answering the "do you have any allergy?" question

with "well, apparently I am not allergic enough to cancer..."

"LOL ball" you called me, and my ex confirmed

that is an accurate depiction of me.

The extraordinary power of letting go

 Junk happiness will never guide you to real happiness,

my sweet child,

I wish I could show you the way so you don't have to suffer

my sweet child,

but then, how would you learn the lesson?

how would you become stronger and wiser?

I have been advised to let you waste your time and care

to let you walk the same path I did,

until you see with your own eyes, and you let go,

even if this will bring you pain.

Only a few people walk this path,

lose something they cherish,

it could be your hair,

that silky embellishment

that fills you with pride,

and it is fastly disappearing,

it is letting you go,

and you need to let it go too.

Some of us get allergies in middle age times,

that cause the hair to let go of us,

others have to choose between this or dying,

and chose to go to treatments and let go of the hair,

a small let go, instead of the bigger let go (of life).

They say "it is only hair", "it will grow back"

but it is part of you, of your identity,

it was part of you when every day 50 to 100 hairs

were leaving you, but you let those go.

My sweet child, I will hold your hand

all the way, but I shouldn't take the pain from you

because I won't be the person I am today,

without the pain I went through,

and I wouldn't let anyone take my future pain away 

and that would make me the better me,

if that would help others,

and I know you are a mirror of me,

so I have to let you go.

I will only slightly guide you,

to keep your kindness in times you can control,

to stay strong even when you are falling apart,

mentally and physically.

My junk happiness was the sweet food that caused me terrible pain,

was also the time I wasted in unworthy pursues,

but in the middle of constant losses,

I found the extraordinary power of letting go.

I am like a Kinder egg for you (You can get away with murder with those big blue eyes)

 You melted my black hard cocoon,

with your sweet treatments,

you are such a cute tycoon,

full of entrepreneurial comments.

You discovered the underlayers, the white side of me,

the bright side I do not expose to the light of day.

you didn't crack me

like if I was an easter egg in May.

You managed to open the almost impossible to open yellow container,

to discover the likewise difficult to assemble puzzle figurine

that is my strange persona and entertainer,

your wizard enchantress hands make it a no-brainer.

You use your strength and your technique

to melt my tough nods and relax my being,

you know the exact moment in my physique

where I am about to say the safe word for stopping,

and then you ease the pain, like if you were able to read my mind.

I was going to title this poem:

You can get away with murder with those big blue eyes,

but I imagine your smile when you see the new emblem

and making you laugh is my new hawkeye.

Buy, yes, you can get away with the weirdest conversations,

when your blue eyes smile at me,

they hug me soo deeply that we travel to other space stations

and keep me safe and free to be me.

Your blue eyes are my multiverse,

my ocean of peace and health

the place to freely share a verse

and to share our wealth.

There was a place I called home long time ago

 There was a place I called home a long time ago,

It is far now, but I went back.

I am back because I had to go

I was called back.

I called NYC my home, the upper east side is my home

it will be forever the place where my heart and mind were free,

the place where I am me at home

the warm mess that scared others but for me is carefree.

Even if my allergies bloom here,

and I am constantly suffering

even if my medical tests here

are terrible expensive

I welcome this suffering.

There are other places where blood family is,

where my best friends also are,

Munich, West and East London, NYC, Buenos Aires,

places where I am what there is...

It makes no sense, I am aware

this is not my home anymore,

I am welcome better than in any other place

"Welcome home," they said at the border.

I loved West London living with my family, every time I visited

and dreamed of living there,

being a Chelsea girl...

However, my world is now in East London,

my groups, friends, love...

Quick encounters that can change your life

 Thanks for interrupting my life 

to remind me about what is important

to bring Thoreau's wisdom back to my life:

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give mt truth".

You gave me the plain truth, and I am grateful

my muscle tears will never be cured,

I need to strengthen the muscles around them

the pain will never be gone

I need to make peace with reality.

You can only understand the pain of pain,

if you suffer it,

only people walking this chronic pain path

can truly look you in the eye and comprehend it.

Our quick encounter filled my life with air,

when you compared cancer with crime:

no matter how you try to destroy it,

it will always find a way around it.

Your wisdom changed me physically and mentally

it opened my eyes, I agreed to never stop,

to push through the pain,

the strengthen my weaknesses,

to prioritize,

to deal with addiction without guilt,

 and to stop trying to please others.

You had so many injuries and so many kills,

but were tender to me,

just to make me stronger,

just to make me smile,

and now you are gone.

You were a man without a woman,

because you had multiple,

and you were a man without kids,

because you had your crew as offspring.

"be kind, no stupid"