You will be OK

People who claim to know me well

keep telling me I always land on my feet

like if some class of Latin cat female

but I feel I am just a cheat

It is more than impostor syndrome,

goes to the roots of being

your whole believing dome

shutters, it is not forbidding

when on the positive thoughts that you hold inside

start disappearing and you are empty

whatever they said

has zero value in your modus vivendi

Even if you were a problem solver

and a fighter, after getting hit hard

and falling again harder,

you become a destroyer

A destroyer of your dreams

and your positivity and you can sleep no more

The hope disappears,

you feel that you are not unbreakable anymore

Stop telling me "you will be OK"

I prefer to be dead right now

and you can't relay

I have to deal with myself somehow.

Again and again

I missed a meeting today,

I didn't get a notification

and I felt like this happened before

I lost the train of vocation.

Again and again, I am feeling I am arriving too late

that the train left the station

and I am just standing there waiving my dreams goodbye

seeing the melting chocolate.

Sometimes is the world speeding up

and leaving me behind

it is not only about technology

it is about lexicon and growing up.

Again and again, I waiving progress pass by

even if I try to evolve I am stuck in old habits

like if my time has been set to standby

and all my time is in debit.

The evil part that hides in all of us

It is so difficult some days

to deal with the mess of the world

I can't just close my eyes

and pretend I blind

because I can still hear it

the noise of confusion and terror

the people and animals suffering

the innocents living a horror.

Even dealing with my own problems,

they seem so small compare

with the suffering instigated by injustice

and the evil part that hides in all of us.

Even if you don't want to hurt anyone

sometimes getting your way

and finding your freedom

produces the ripple effect

to damage others.

The problem in my voice and looks

My voice sounds young,

however, it is not

I understood when you clung

to your misconception of my voice note

You put me in the youngster, 

inexperience and newbie bracket

because you heard something yester

that reminded you of  high pitch packet

Let me tell you: you are wrong

I am not young, neither my voice

I have been suffering this discrimination for my lifelong

and keep doing this to me is your choice

Your branding is unfair,

it hurts me and my career

I know I also look fair

and this not helping when I appear

Please stop judging me for my appearance

and the sound of my voice

there is way more behind this face

and a lot to offer to the ones who let me rejoice

Perception

Why are you doing this?

Why are you giving me negative feedback?

Are you trying to make a better person?

Or are just annoyed because we don't share the same opinion?

Why all this feels so unfair?

Because we have different perceptions

We have different values

we are on different sides of the ocean

I am looking at your from the far west

and you yelling at me from the far end

yelling against the wind

begging the summer haze to transport your words.

Frustration on the edge

Frustrated for the lack of understanding

I am getting upset with you

the anger is boiling

and it will explode like popcorn.

Why are you asking these stupid questions?

How can you say such things?

Are you not processing your thought before you spit them to me?

This is ludicrous

I am on the edge of collapsing 

and I lost the count of my deep breaths,

I am so done and roasted that I can't do this anymore.

How to be productive? be happy and kind

Lessons learned after reading a lot about productivity and try some of the tricks, failed and try again... (to be honest still trying)
The happiness advantage happier people performs better: happier ppl are 31 % more productive and have 37% better sales figures than unhappy people.
Sleeping is the best for productivity. I am not an early bird, I am more productive at night and I love to oversleep on the weekends (who doesn't?)

I went from the 4 agreements (always do your best, be honest with your word, don't take things personally, do not make assumptions) to some of the 12 rules of life (Stand up straight with your shoulders straight, treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping, befriend people who want the best for you, compare yourself to who you were yesterday, not the useless person you are today, do not let your children do anything that makes you dislike them, set your house in order before you criticise the world, pursue what is meaningful, not what is expedient, tell the truth. Or at least don’t lie, assume the person you are listening to knows something you don’t...)
For some reason I do better on my professional related goals than the personal ones, anyways every week I set 3 main goals and 3 goals per day that I focus on first thing int he morning.
Little steps are better than no step, creating habits is fundamental and I am terrible at it :) so creating small steps and changes that I can keep on when my motivation to make big changes washes away was a key factor in sustainable habits.
Working out... a must, even for 20 min a day.
For example, I have a 20 min mandatory workout per day =, that I do even if the sky is falling, and a 14 min meditation that I can squeeze at any point, even in the tube.