The extraordinary power of letting go

 Junk happiness will never guide you to real happiness,

my sweet child,

I wish I could show you the way so you don't have to suffer

my sweet child,

but then, how would you learn the lesson?

how would you become stronger and wiser?

I have been advised to let you waste your time and care

to let you walk the same path I did,

until you see with your own eyes, and you let go,

even if this will bring you pain.

Only a few people walk this path,

lose something they cherish,

it could be your hair,

that silky embellishment

that fills you with pride,

and it is fastly disappearing,

it is letting you go,

and you need to let it go too.

Some of us get allergies in middle age times,

that cause the hair to let go of us,

others have to choose between this or dying,

and chose to go to treatments and let go of the hair,

a small let go, instead of the bigger let go (of life).

They say "it is only hair", "it will grow back"

but it is part of you, of your identity,

it was part of you when every day 50 to 100 hairs

were leaving you, but you let those go.

My sweet child, I will hold your hand

all the way, but I shouldn't take the pain from you

because I won't be the person I am today,

without the pain I went through,

and I wouldn't let anyone take my future pain away 

and that would make me the better me,

if that would help others,

and I know you are a mirror of me,

so I have to let you go.

I will only slightly guide you,

to keep your kindness in times you can control,

to stay strong even when you are falling apart,

mentally and physically.

My junk happiness was the sweet food that caused me terrible pain,

was also the time I wasted in unworthy pursues,

but in the middle of constant losses,

I found the extraordinary power of letting go.

I am like a Kinder egg for you (You can get away with murder with those big blue eyes)

 You melted my black hard cocoon,

with your sweet treatments,

you are such a cute tycoon,

full of entrepreneurial comments.

You discovered the underlayers, the white side of me,

the bright side I do not expose to the light of day.

you didn't crack me

like if I was an easter egg in May.

You managed to open the almost impossible to open yellow container,

to discover the likewise difficult to assemble puzzle figurine

that is my strange persona and entertainer,

your wizard enchantress hands make it a no-brainer.

You use your strength and your technique

to melt my tough nods and relax my being,

you know the exact moment in my physique

where I am about to say the safe word for stopping,

and then you ease the pain, like if you were able to read my mind.

I was going to title this poem:

You can get away with murder with those big blue eyes,

but I imagine your smile when you see the new emblem

and making you laugh is my new hawkeye.

Buy, yes, you can get away with the weirdest conversations,

when your blue eyes smile at me,

they hug me soo deeply that we travel to other space stations

and keep me safe and free to be me.

Your blue eyes are my multiverse,

my ocean of peace and health

the place to freely share a verse

and to share our wealth.

There was a place I called home long time ago

 There was a place I called home a long time ago,

It is far now, but I went back.

I am back because I had to go

I was called back.

I called NYC my home, the upper east side is my home

it will be forever the place where my heart and mind were free,

the place where I am me at home

the warm mess that scared others but for me is carefree.

Even if my allergies bloom here,

and I am constantly suffering

even if my medical tests here

are terrible expensive

I welcome this suffering.

There are other places where blood family is,

where my best friends also are,

Munich, West and East London, NYC, Buenos Aires,

places where I am what there is...

It makes no sense, I am aware

this is not my home anymore,

I am welcome better than in any other place

"Welcome home," they said at the border.

I loved West London living with my family, every time I visited

and dreamed of living there,

being a Chelsea girl...

However, my world is now in East London,

my groups, friends, love...

Quick encounters that can change your life

 Thanks for interrupting my life 

to remind me about what is important

to bring Thoreau's wisdom back to my life:

"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give mt truth".

You gave me the plain truth, and I am grateful

my muscle tears will never be cured,

I need to strengthen the muscles around them

the pain will never be gone

I need to make peace with reality.

You can only understand the pain of pain,

if you suffer it,

only people walking this chronic pain path

can truly look you in the eye and comprehend it.

Our quick encounter filled my life with air,

when you compared cancer with crime:

no matter how you try to destroy it,

it will always find a way around it.

Your wisdom changed me physically and mentally

it opened my eyes, I agreed to never stop,

to push through the pain,

the strengthen my weaknesses,

to prioritize,

to deal with addiction without guilt,

 and to stop trying to please others.

You had so many injuries and so many kills,

but were tender to me,

just to make me stronger,

just to make me smile,

and now you are gone.

You were a man without a woman,

because you had multiple,

and you were a man without kids,

because you had your crew as offspring.

"be kind, no stupid"

Happy to see you

 Your aura fills the space with light

you bring joy every time you enter a room,

the magic stars in your eyes sight

are a supernova in a constant boom.

I am happy to see you every time,

I am looking forward to next time,

I am eager to give you an intimate hug anytime

because you make everybody shine.

The love and kindness that you perspire

is so warm and inviting

so contagious, positive and aiming to inspire

that fills us all with zen wisdom gratifying.

The gratefulness and compassion

that your expression brings us

is expressed as your passion

inviting and friendly improving us.

To block or not to block

 Yesterday Facebook sent me a memory feed

with photos of the amazing birthday gatherings, I organized for my ex,

so I went to message to send a Happy birthday message to him...

and to my surprise, I couldn't find him,

which means he blocked me.

I did not really care much about the "blocking",

 but I feel sad to know that he was soooo hurt

that he needed to delete me from his online living.

Not that I care much, but I told a friend

and he said that my ex also blocked him 

and others who connected him with me,

and that it was great because he was boring anyway (ROFL).

It just made me think about how little he valued me,

he said constantly that he was so proud and grateful to be with me

because of ALL my amazing features (SMH)

but I never really felt those words to be real.

So, if you really value a person would you delete the only way of knowing how they are doing?

This is the second time I got blocked this year

an insane and aggressive/depressive book club organizer

blocked me when I told her she was impolite and I was scared to voice my opinion...

It just made me rethink how angry/upset/sad/hurt or even scared to be hurt

people can be in order to block another person.

Don't give me wrong, I have no intention or need to see these people,

I was with them because I was sorry for them,

and I have the need to help people even if they are not good for me,

I am a bit happy that I don't have this baggage on my back anymore.

What annoys me if them now spreading lies and wrong memories,

after all the caring and amazing moments I gave them,

how can they be so evil to say bad things about this lovely angel?

The only truly negative thing they can say is "she doesn't want to be with me anymore",

anything else will be lies if what they told me originally was the truth,

they are just dissing like snakes.

In retrospection, I have blocked bullies and guys who were harassing me after public appearances, 

and 2 exes who kept trying to call and meet me after I broke up with them because I didn't want to be with them anymore... but it was a blocking due to harassment.

If we are here to help others, the aim of my life and we are in part the interactions and what we share with others...

if my motto is not let anyone leave your life without being better and happier...

Have I failed?

I guess so.

The nightmares are real

 I have to apologize for disregarding my patients before

when they told me about the nightmares

the vivid horrible hunting nightmares that keep them awake.

This too shall pass,

enjoy the brief moments after your stomach is emptied,

you get a gentle touch or a kiss that takes the pain away

you feel butterflies in your stomach that scared away the cancer for a second

you get the endorphines rush after a painful run,

enjoy those seconds where the final line is crossed by happiness before pain,

when the winner of the race is a smile and not a sad tear.

The nightmare mixes past, present and future

one second you are at your former boss office

being criticized for not having good results

scared to death for being fired,

then you are at the doctor's office

she is apologizing for a misdiagnosis

she is talking about the big C,

the one you know you had,

fear again, fear because you both are right now.

Then the future comes as merging with the past

and treatments after treatments leaving you tired, sad and lonely.

Every day is a blessing, and every night is a nightmare.