Free things feel extraordinary,
like the universe is awarding you just for existing,
but you must be wary,
because they won't bring you enlighting.
Perks, those are the hit run,
those are the awards for a well-done job
for investing, supporting and trusting the fun
while you are listening to the throb.
My to-do list is never-ending,
more things are added
and it takes all my thinking
to do the deed.
My attention span is inexistent,
all the things I must do merge with the ones I want to do
and what others are adding as an expectant
requests to not do more but more do.
I need to focus,
on me, on the importance,
on priorities that are not just hocus pocus,
but there is discordance.
Everything I read about life hacks
and happy living]indicates doing one thing at a time,
but I juxtapose TV and workout in my shack,
and at least two other things at a time.
You wish you could merge them all into one woman,
The passionate voluptuous french woman
who was your twin flame,
but it burned too hot and meted your security.
The geeky green eyed german
with the most beautiful smile,
full lips and perfect white teeth
who made you laugh non-stop
and opened the door of your imagination
and challenge you to think that you might not deserve her.
The perfect ass of that Latina who had a dream body,
but it emotionally manipulated you until you cried pushing through pain.
The charisma of that woman of the world, who had the world in her hands
with only a whisper.
The funny creative Scandinavian woman
the one you finally allowed yourself to be yourself and
matched your weird sense of humor,
with porcelain skin, as breakable as her mental health.
The emotional mature and wisdom giver
older lady who nursed back to life,
who gave you faith and will,
but who you couldn't correctly love.
The dancer who led you in a way that made you fly,
all over the dancefloor like suspended in the clouds.
All these women you wish you could merge into a perfect one.
Running all day to get to a relaxing place,
fast breathing to keep the rhythm
to get into the slow calm zone.
I do yoga every day,
somedays I have to run to it...
and that might take away the benefits,
but hey, I made it to the mat, so namaste to you.
I have no time for Shavasana,
I am here to stretch, workout and find unity.
When was the last time we danced together?
It has been too longStaring at the most beautiful view,
of turquoise waters mixing with white sand
in spirals of power,
I can't stop thinking about my mistakes.
The sadness that a happy place brings is not making me feel better,
I bring this sickness inside,
I am bringing the drama within.
Please clean me blue clean water,
please show me your clarity and purify my thoughts
Please awake the buddha in me.
Like attempting to run a marathon under 35 degrees of heat
you must see the silver lining in every cloud,
even in the huge grey ones that seem to never end.
That smile will come and shine new light,
to show you anew way,
for you to make bad choices again,
and have some fun.
Stop saying that it shall pass
it feels like one wave after the other
crashing the weak body against the rocks
Stop making me feel bad for being sad
I just want to know
When is this going to be over?
When will happiness last,
stay with and nourish me?
Sometimes the nail that drives out another strategy
just blows on your face,
very very hard
it takes you back in flashbacks
it leaves you empty
and lost.
Seeking refuge in other arms,
attempting to create passion with a new lover,
just drives back the memories of the amazing love you had lost.
Comparing hurts, memories break your hurt,
flashbacks leave you crying non stop
like a punch on your stomach that takes your breath away.
It was a bad idea, you knew it,
it was just a waste of time,
to feel some connection...
but the nail didn't drive out another,
it pushed it harder inside the wood,
the wood of your coffin.
Have you ever felt like you are on the companion seat
In the car of your life?
Like Loki took over the staring wheel
And he is running the mad race?
It kind of feels like that when you let the universe guide you
To let things pass through you
It gives you peace but also a sense of absolute loss of control
You want to apply a positive mindset
And the law of attraction
And sometimes it works
Life gives you amazing opportunities
Events and people
And then it takes it away
You feel you can’t trust anymore
But those feelings are empty and lonely
How to solve this puzzle?
Just thinking that nothing is personal,
Especially when you look at the road and see all these self-driven cars with just grey passengers depressed and anxious going down the rabbit hole
Wyd? I don’t really know
I am just enjoying each moment, each person, each experience because the now is the only thing that exists and will end anytime
At this age, I thought I was done learning,
but you proved me wrong,
and you guide me to keep learning,
to keep on going.
You are teaching me patience,
my limits and silly expectations,
how to deal with new experiences,
even if there are frustrating situations.
Because the reward is sharing time with you,
because there is no goal but just an enjoyable journey,
walking hand in hand, skipping with you
like teenagers again, all happy and shinny.
From a very young age,
women are thought to be caring and compromise
women are the ones who should cure wounds,
caress and bring back to life broken hurts and limbs.
Even if women get slapped on one cheek,
they tend to put the other side
and power through the pain
in order to not hurt anyone else.
They force the smiles from the prefrontal cortex,
but they wish someone would make them smile
purely from the lymphatic system,
to feel real, natural and care for... and to stop the nonsense compromising.
Does he have any red flags? You asked...
Tons, I replied, he has a red banner yelling "danger",
and he laughed and we bonded.
We found similarities in experiences,
we enjoyed finding red flags
and hiding them under the sand,
hoping that the sea will go back to a relax state,
that the tide won't go insane again
and swallow us with all its intensity
We both saw the red flags,
we both ignored them,
and we both enjoyed the fresh water
until the salty water took our breath away.
A long time ago,
as a fairy tale started, I gave you the power to make me happy,
by default, I also gave you the power to make me sad.
It was not your responsibility but it was your prerogative
for me to feel free of guilt, to put the pressure on you
to let my own responsability go tentative,
Iit was nice to care for someone and have someone care for you...
However, the force is within me, nourish me and showing the path,
a path far from you and what my expectations were,
you can't make me happy, only I can,
you can't make me sad, only I can.
I thought you were controlling me,
but it was me who gave you the remote control
and it was running out of batteries.
I am sorry for her, but I am super relieved
because you are not my problem anymore.
Your depression and negativity won't touch my sunny days,
your twisted view of the world you have messed up my life,
your victimization of the things that happen to you
because you prefer to not be responsible
won't affect my daily life.
It is done and done,
and it gives me freedom,
not listening to your complaints
to your constant negative feedback,
to your judgment and control.
You are not my problem any more.
One day all this pain will be gone
one day you will stop crying
one day these memories won't hurt anymore.
I promise you this grief will be over,
the dead that was heavy on your heart
and didn't allow you to breathe properly
will be just a sad memory.
One day the pain of physical separation
will be just a silly memory
that would have transmuted into something else
something that has no power over you
neither over your emotions.
One day you will be free,
and in complete charge of your emotions,
just keep rowing.
It is not that the expectations were too high
and the trust was broken by external forces,
it is not about not trusting others,
to be scared to fall again for a lie
It is the trust in yourself,
on being true to your true
on being legit and original
on believing in you, in your potential
on your grip
on your power to challenge yourself
and your fears
on the things you don't trust yourself
like inversions, surfing, or loving.
I love flowers
and I stop to appreciate them every time,
I take mental photos of their colors
and take deep breaths to absorb their perfume
I used to be called a butterfly
but now I know I am a bee,
that insect I used to fear
I used to void because I was scared
to get an anaphylactic shock
I was scared to be stung,
and died
I was scared of the unknown future,
I was scared of bees.
You open my eyes to see their beauty,
to find them harmless,
to stop the fear.
You helped me to enjoy the flowers deeply
in all their complexity
and to turn their nectar into honey.
Assumptions put me in the victim role,
but it was a lack of good judgment and understanding
that labeled me "the victim".
I am not the victim, I am more the responsible party,
who pushed the first domino piece
and now see a 6 years structure crumbled to the floor.
Laying on the grass,
feeling the warm sun caressing your skin,
calling me to caress you too,
to feel the warmth, it is just perfect.
And then a bee tried to sting me
and I freaked out because of childhood traumas,
so you calmed me down,
took the bee gently and showed me that I have nothing to fear
it was just perfect.
You opened up your genuine vulnerability,
allowing me to do the same,
and still, feel safe,
and it was just perfect.
With my constant stressful on the go state of mind,
you came to caress my thoughts to relax me,
it was just perfect,
like a five minutes meditation
on a busy morning,
in the middle of a construction site
during a thunderstorm.
Compliments can get wasted and overused, you claimed,
but keep repeating how perfect my face is, its shape is the best,
how beautiful my smile is, and how I am the "la mas Bonita persona" you have been with,
you simply claim I am perfect.
I can assure you are wrong,
and it was the gorgeous landscape, delicious food and glorious prosecco
that tricked your mind into seeing me as perfect.
it is because you only see the beauty in people,
you have a filter for the flaws,
that converts my wrinkles into flawless skin.
You photoshop with your beautiful big bright eyes, BBB,
and also filter to rainbow settings and outstanding sunsets with your long curly eyelashes.
I told you I am not perfect and if you will know me better you will see my cracks,
so you let me go, to not ruin the gloriously bright and perfect image that you have of me.
You lost me like sand between your fingers.
While I am trying to hold onto every breath
and every second I can get,
when I hear the reverse countdown clock
ticking its way down to death,
thanks for holding my hand.
While I hold into life,
and am grateful for any extra deep breath
after the expiration date,
I am most grateful for you holding my hand.
I can fall asleep save knowing that
if I don't wake up,
you will keep my legacy going,
my energy will stay with you,
as it passes from my body to your hand.
Enjoying every second we are connected,
for what could be the last time,
like if there is no tomorrow,
because there is actually no tomorrow,
we can just hold each other close,
so thank you for holding my hand.
I am aware it is difficult,
I am aware you are in pain,
different from my pain,
but valid as any,
so thank you for holding my hand,
holding me holding life.
Laying painfully waiting for the anesthesiologist,
grateful that the hospital wall is thin as paper
I can hear you two whisper,
my past and my present/future.
Both sharing kind stories about me,
both hoping I will survive
both praising my positive bad sense of humor
answering the "do you have any allergy?" question
with "well, apparently I am not allergic enough to cancer..."
"LOL ball" you called me, and my ex confirmed
that is an accurate depiction of me.
Junk happiness will never guide you to real happiness,
my sweet child,
I wish I could show you the way so you don't have to suffer
my sweet child,
but then, how would you learn the lesson?
how would you become stronger and wiser?
I have been advised to let you waste your time and care
to let you walk the same path I did,
until you see with your own eyes, and you let go,
even if this will bring you pain.
Only a few people walk this path,
lose something they cherish,
it could be your hair,
that silky embellishment
that fills you with pride,
and it is fastly disappearing,
it is letting you go,
and you need to let it go too.
Some of us get allergies in middle age times,
that cause the hair to let go of us,
others have to choose between this or dying,
and chose to go to treatments and let go of the hair,
a small let go, instead of the bigger let go (of life).
They say "it is only hair", "it will grow back"
but it is part of you, of your identity,
it was part of you when every day 50 to 100 hairs
were leaving you, but you let those go.
My sweet child, I will hold your hand
all the way, but I shouldn't take the pain from you
because I won't be the person I am today,
without the pain I went through,
and I wouldn't let anyone take my future pain away
and that would make me the better me,
if that would help others,
and I know you are a mirror of me,
so I have to let you go.
I will only slightly guide you,
to keep your kindness in times you can control,
to stay strong even when you are falling apart,
mentally and physically.
My junk happiness was the sweet food that caused me terrible pain,
was also the time I wasted in unworthy pursues,
but in the middle of constant losses,
I found the extraordinary power of letting go.
You melted my black hard cocoon,
with your sweet treatments,
you are such a cute tycoon,
full of entrepreneurial comments.
You discovered the underlayers, the white side of me,
the bright side I do not expose to the light of day.
you didn't crack me
like if I was an easter egg in May.
You managed to open the almost impossible to open yellow container,
to discover the likewise difficult to assemble puzzle figurine
that is my strange persona and entertainer,
your wizard enchantress hands make it a no-brainer.
You use your strength and your technique
to melt my tough nods and relax my being,
you know the exact moment in my physique
where I am about to say the safe word for stopping,
and then you ease the pain, like if you were able to read my mind.
I was going to title this poem:
You can get away with murder with those big blue eyes,
but I imagine your smile when you see the new emblem
and making you laugh is my new hawkeye.
Buy, yes, you can get away with the weirdest conversations,
when your blue eyes smile at me,
they hug me soo deeply that we travel to other space stations
and keep me safe and free to be me.
Your blue eyes are my multiverse,
my ocean of peace and health
the place to freely share a verse
and to share our wealth.
There was a place I called home a long time ago,
It is far now, but I went back.
I am back because I had to go
I was called back.
I called NYC my home, the upper east side is my home
it will be forever the place where my heart and mind were free,
the place where I am me at home
the warm mess that scared others but for me is carefree.
Even if my allergies bloom here,
and I am constantly suffering
even if my medical tests here
are terrible expensive
I welcome this suffering.
There are other places where blood family is,
where my best friends also are,
Munich, West and East London, NYC, Buenos Aires,
places where I am what there is...
It makes no sense, I am aware
this is not my home anymore,
I am welcome better than in any other place
"Welcome home," they said at the border.
I loved West London living with my family, every time I visited
and dreamed of living there,
being a Chelsea girl...
However, my world is now in East London,
my groups, friends, love...
Thanks for interrupting my life
to remind me about what is important
to bring Thoreau's wisdom back to my life:
"Rather than love, than money, than fame, give mt truth".
You gave me the plain truth, and I am grateful
my muscle tears will never be cured,
I need to strengthen the muscles around them
the pain will never be gone
I need to make peace with reality.
You can only understand the pain of pain,
if you suffer it,
only people walking this chronic pain path
can truly look you in the eye and comprehend it.
Our quick encounter filled my life with air,
when you compared cancer with crime:
no matter how you try to destroy it,
it will always find a way around it.
Your wisdom changed me physically and mentally
it opened my eyes, I agreed to never stop,
to push through the pain,
the strengthen my weaknesses,
to prioritize,
to deal with addiction without guilt,
and to stop trying to please others.
You had so many injuries and so many kills,
but were tender to me,
just to make me stronger,
just to make me smile,
and now you are gone.
You were a man without a woman,
because you had multiple,
and you were a man without kids,
because you had your crew as offspring.
"be kind, no stupid"
Your aura fills the space with light
you bring joy every time you enter a room,
the magic stars in your eyes sight
are a supernova in a constant boom.
I am happy to see you every time,
I am looking forward to next time,
I am eager to give you an intimate hug anytime
because you make everybody shine.
The love and kindness that you perspire
is so warm and inviting
so contagious, positive and aiming to inspire
that fills us all with zen wisdom gratifying.
The gratefulness and compassion
that your expression brings us
is expressed as your passion
inviting and friendly improving us.
Yesterday Facebook sent me a memory feed
with photos of the amazing birthday gatherings, I organized for my ex,
so I went to message to send a Happy birthday message to him...
and to my surprise, I couldn't find him,
which means he blocked me.
I did not really care much about the "blocking",
but I feel sad to know that he was soooo hurt
that he needed to delete me from his online living.
Not that I care much, but I told a friend
and he said that my ex also blocked him
and others who connected him with me,
and that it was great because he was boring anyway (ROFL).
It just made me think about how little he valued me,
he said constantly that he was so proud and grateful to be with me
because of ALL my amazing features (SMH)
but I never really felt those words to be real.
So, if you really value a person would you delete the only way of knowing how they are doing?
This is the second time I got blocked this year
an insane and aggressive/depressive book club organizer
blocked me when I told her she was impolite and I was scared to voice my opinion...
It just made me rethink how angry/upset/sad/hurt or even scared to be hurt
people can be in order to block another person.
Don't give me wrong, I have no intention or need to see these people,
I was with them because I was sorry for them,
and I have the need to help people even if they are not good for me,
I am a bit happy that I don't have this baggage on my back anymore.
What annoys me if them now spreading lies and wrong memories,
after all the caring and amazing moments I gave them,
how can they be so evil to say bad things about this lovely angel?
The only truly negative thing they can say is "she doesn't want to be with me anymore",
anything else will be lies if what they told me originally was the truth,
they are just dissing like snakes.
In retrospection, I have blocked bullies and guys who were harassing me after public appearances,
and 2 exes who kept trying to call and meet me after I broke up with them because I didn't want to be with them anymore... but it was a blocking due to harassment.
If we are here to help others, the aim of my life and we are in part the interactions and what we share with others...
if my motto is not let anyone leave your life without being better and happier...
Have I failed?
I guess so.
I have to apologize for disregarding my patients before
when they told me about the nightmares
the vivid horrible hunting nightmares that keep them awake.
This too shall pass,
enjoy the brief moments after your stomach is emptied,
you get a gentle touch or a kiss that takes the pain away
you feel butterflies in your stomach that scared away the cancer for a second
you get the endorphines rush after a painful run,
enjoy those seconds where the final line is crossed by happiness before pain,
when the winner of the race is a smile and not a sad tear.
The nightmare mixes past, present and future
one second you are at your former boss office
being criticized for not having good results
scared to death for being fired,
then you are at the doctor's office
she is apologizing for a misdiagnosis
she is talking about the big C,
the one you know you had,
fear again, fear because you both are right now.
Then the future comes as merging with the past
and treatments after treatments leaving you tired, sad and lonely.
Every day is a blessing, and every night is a nightmare.
I thought that I was going to expend 2021 in bed so I set up my reading goal to 100 books… fortunately life happened and I was able to enjoy a lot of fantastic non-book worm
related activities:) so 81 books were a good compromise… the theme was around zen, Japanese culture, sci-fi, fantasy, AI and pain and disease management… 
! Please buy books from smaller stores like Hive. Wishing you a happy 2022 full of good books, friends, love, hugs, kisses, peace, healthy, fun, sex, dance, learning, challenges, growth, kindness, compassion and laughsSi supieras los que sabes, Margarita Mac leod
The ministry for the future, Kim Robinson
The Spy Who Came in from the Cold, by John le Carre
Starsight, Brandon Sanderson
The fifth season, J K Jemisin
Exhalation, Ted Chiang
Zen the art of simple leaving, Shunmyo Masuno
Ikigai the Japanese secret to a long and happy life, Héctor García, Francesc Miralles
The wrinkle in time, Madeleine L'Engle
The midnight library, Matt Haig
Atomic Habits, James Clear
Leonardo Da Vinci, Walter Isaacson
101 assays that will change the way you think, Brianna Weist
Cytonic, Brandon Sanderson
Skyward, Brandon Sanderson
The Thursday murder club, Richard Osman
In cold blood, Truman Capote
The bands of mourning, Brandon Sanderson
The catcher in the rye, J D Salinger
100 años de soledad Gabriel Garcia Marquez
How to be a genius, Robert Allen
Dark ages, Pierce Brown
The Murder of Roger Ackroyd, Agatha Christie
The obelisk gate, J K Jemisin
Circe, Madeline Miller
Things fall apart, Chinua Achebe
The stone sky by J K Jemisin
Pride and prejudice, Jane Austine
84 charing cross st, Helen Huff
The great gatsby, F. Scott Fitzgerald
The promised land, Barak Obama
Dominicana, Angie Cruz
The count of Monte Cristo, Alexandre Dumas
A clockwork orange, Anthony Burgess
The boys book 1, Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson
The boys book 2
The boys book 3
The boys book 4
The boys book 5
The boys book 6
The Cows, Dawn O’porter
Pachinko, Cheng Lee
Americanah, Chimamanda ngozi Adiche
Outlander, Diana Gabaldon
Water for elephants, Sara Gruen
Dragonfly in amber, Diana Gabaldon
Letters to a young poet, Rainer Rilke
Never let me go, Kashuo Ishigiro
Voyager, Diana Gabaldon
Steelheart, Brandon Sanderson
Charlie and the chocolate factory, Roald Dahl
The man who died twice, Richard Osman
Mitosis, Brandon Sanderson
The ocean at the end of the lane, Neil Gaiman
Firefight, Brandon Sanderson
The four agreements, Miguel Ruiz
Calamity, Brandon Sanderson
Witch, Finbar Hawkins
Hail Mary, Andy Weir
In praise of shadows, Tanizaki
Artemis, Andy Weir
The seven husbands of Evelyn Hugo, Taylor Jenkins Reid
Klara and the sun, Kashuo Ishigiro
10% happier, Dan Harris
Dept of speculation Jenny Offill
The good doctor Damon Galgut
Broken, Jenny Lawson
Epidemiology WHO, R Bonita
It’s called a break up because it is broken, Amiira Ruotola and Greg Behrendt
No one is talking about this, Patricia Lockwood
Let’s talk about hard things, Anna Sale
Artic summer, Damon Galgut
Earthlings, Sayaka Murats
Ulysses, James Joyce
Rebecca, Daphne du Maurie
Greenlight, Matthew McConaughey
The subtle art of not giving a fuck, Mark Manson
The soul of a woman, Isabel Allende
Everything is figurable, Marie Forleo
Crying in H mart,
Everything happens for a reason and other lies, Kate Bowler
Lincoln in the bardo, George Saunders
